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So I did have another freaky dream, this one about going home early, but it was a little easier to dismiss since, you know, I didn't wake up in Washington. I spent all day watching Stargate and eating pomegranate while Valya was at her mom's house; then, while Valya disappeared (later found out she was at her cousin's) I knat, watched figure skating and was endlessly amused by the following text conversation with MA—which I reproduce here in its entirety, typos and all (except the ones where I can't be bothered to undo autocorrect).

MA: Ever heard of kegel exercises? I think I'm about to watch an instructional dvd w/ hm [host mother] and her friend. Oh. My. God. Did I mention part where both their boys are in the other room?

Me: It's the patently bizarre stage of the cycle again. Don't panic!

MA: Hehehe. She's in a short skirt, lifting a 2L bottle of something from a squat position. But her hands are totally free. How is this possible? It involves a string. One end tied to the bottle, the other…Under the skirt. Holy crap. I'm debating a blog post about this, but I'd have to break my g-rated requirement.

Me: Oh, you make me wish I was there if only to share your WTF. Write the blog, go on.

MA: Well, there IS a g in g-spot…

MA: So. Ridiculous. Must. Not. Laugh.

Me: Tell me! I'm alone with the cats! I need entertainment!

MA: Dvd menu was bottle trick. Then followed creepy guy leering at camera talking about "women's health" while leering at the camera. Exercise lady fawned over him and poured tea. Then "exercises" started. Warmups are a mix of bad exotic dancer moves and writhing around oo the ground as you lie on the ground thinking re love.

Me: Hoo boy.

MA: Oh god, she's talking, but back in the skirt. More on this story as it develops. Involving egg-shaped pieces of jade of progressive size that are to be places twixt ur nethers as u go about daily life. Or to be fired from said region at a man to win his effection. I'm not making that part up. It was a cartoon.

Me: …fired?

MA: Then there's the thing that looks like a blood pressure cuff, but instead of the cuff is a dildo. I leave the rest to ur imagination.

Me: BAD PLACE.

MA: Projectile jade eggs from her hoo-ha.

Me: Is that seductiom or assault?

MA: Supposed to be seduction. Now it's only getting weirder. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be capable of describing via sms.

Me: For the sake of science, I beg you to continue.

MA: And creepy guy is talking again…

MA: Well, at this point I really don’t know how to explain the 2nd dildo unless I can use hand motions, but creepy says it makes sex better.

Me: Oh m. What does hm think of it?

MA: Apparently, its all good for you.

MA: Thank god, it's over. But wait! There's more! Hey girls, let's watch the one on erotic massage!

Me: I think the right response here is call a "facepalm."

MA: At least the almost-naked men are in decent shape.

Me: Well, that makes almost anything better.

I'm almost tempted to ask her to bring that when she comes over on Tuesday for Dr. Who, just for the crack value. This is why volunteers will keep Beeline financially afloat for years to come…